Unaccompanied Tour // 04

Navigating the R&Rs can be a source of both excitement and stress to the unaccompanied family. For non foreign service people, R&R means what it means in normal life, a break, a rest, a vacation. Depending on the post (location) and the length of the assignment, the employee gets one to three R&Rs during their time apart. We actually had one when we were in Kuwait and took a trip to Scotland for Noah's baptism and to visit some friends. For this assignment Gman had three.

While it is exciting to see the person who has been gone, an R&R is also a reality check on relationships, and a really stressful adjustment to the family dynamic. Gman teases me about messing with my routine every time but that's a serious sticking point for me. I'm a creature of intense habit. I got mad at him one time he was home because he did the laundry. It sounds ridiculous but it was something I was used to doing and something so little was magnified by the stress of reuniting.

When we finished our last R&R (praise God!) I took some time to reflect on it. I want to share with you some thoughts, observations, suggestions that we have learned along our almost year and a half of separation in regards to reuniting on R&R.

We found it difficult to pretend "normal life" as if Gman lived there when he came home. Everyone wanted to visit with him and the time slipped from our fingers. After trying to cram our entire lives into an emotional two weeks we decided the best route was to make the time off (usually 2 weeks) a vacation for everyone. It was actually really nice that way, even if Gman came home and we took day trips or just laid around at the beach all day. This way I was off the clock too and we spent more time together instead of me worried about the to-do list while Gman spent time with everyone else. It also helped the dynamic between Noah and us, as children tend to push the boundaries and act up when the separated parent returns. Being on vacation changed the rules anyways and he was less likely to push us. 

Dealing with extended family can also be difficult at times. Of course everyone wants to visit with the person who has been away and they're only home a few short weeks. But the reality is connecting with one's children is really the most important thing. Adults understand how to use a telephone and can maintain a relationship most of the time through that and FaceTime, etc. It's more difficult for children, especially little ones and they really need that physical touch to maintain a connection. We found it helpful to arrange special time with our parents and sisters so everyone felt like they got one on one but it didn't take away from time with Noah. We also had a special happy hour for friends and family who wanted to see us. 

Another thing that really helped us reconnect in such a short time was to make lists of things we wanted to be sure to talk about. We didn't really talk over the phone too much or even in email when he was away so if I wanted to be sure and ask about something financial or mention a cute story that happened I wrote it down. It sounds excessive but, again, the time goes by quickly and there are a lot of distractions. Having a list helps ensure you talk about the things you had been waiting to talk about for a few months of separation.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Please see my previous posts on surviving The Unaccompanied Tour // 01 02 03

The Unaccompanied Tour // 03

Anger Management.

A big part of the unaccompanied tour is frankly how infuriating it can be. I say this half-joking. For example, in my normal life whenever I need reassurance or to bounce ideas off someone I just call or text Gman or simply turn to him and ask. He's there and he's my sounding board. Suddenly now he's not there and not even available to send a text to in a moment of desperation when Noah is just too much for me to handle. My partner is not there when the cards start to fall or even to tell me I'm beautiful in a moment when I sure as hell don't feel like it. I am often alone in dealing with bills, taking care of our home, and meeting the needs of Noah and myself on a daily basis. 

I don't get a break when Gman would normally come home from work. Fellow stay-at-home moms know, it's like the magically hour from 4 - 5 or 5 - 6 when everyone is ready for something new and Daddy will be home any minute to take over for just a little while. Well I don't have that. I just have to keep going. It can be exhausting and just getting through a night where Noah fights me on everything, like "time to brush your teeth" "no! not brush teeth!" and he holds his mouth closed and puts his hands on his face. And then "time to read a story" "no! not story!" and tries to throw himself out of my arms and I'm already ready to pass out myself. Yeah, those days are rough. And long. And lonely. Those are the days when burn out turns to rage and I have to keep myself in check. 

Here are some things I do to help manage my anger in a healthy way. And some I should be doing more often... I hope you find this helpful, too!

1. Take time for myself every day. This one is really much harder than you would imagine. Like before I had Noah, this was not a problem. I spent hours doing my hair every week. Now I can't tell you the last time I used a blow dryer. In fact, I didn't have one for several months. I even cut my own hair for two years. But when I take a few minutes to just have quiet time and file my nails it helps to calm me down. Whatever it is that helps you rejuvenate, do it. Maybe a cup of coffee when the kids go down for a nap or watching stand-up on Netflix for a few minutes at night. I am trying a new routine where I set my alarm and get up every morning to exercise before breakfast. It's difficult because Noah wakes up with me but so far it has helped make our mornings smoother and given me a little boost of energy. Which leads me to...

2. Exercise. Exercise really helps soften anger. It gives you a place to put that energy and can lessen stress and anxiety also. It's hard for me to make this a priority, but the more I do it the more I notice a difference in my mood.

3. Talk to a therapist. Trying to figure out what my trigger points are and how to deal with them really gets to the source of the anger. You're going to have to deal with that eventually and talking to a therapist is a great place to start sorting through your thoughts and feelings. 

4. Walking away and then talking it through. Sometimes I get so furious that I need a timeout more than Noah. I need to teach him that its OK to be angry and show him ways to deal with it. Walking away and taking a time out is a great physically obvious way to calm down. I teach Noah to count to 10 and take 3 deep breaths. Then we talk about why we are angry. I tried this recently with Gman too and it prevented a fight. I walked away then came back when I collected my thoughts. Walking away is not to be confused with the silent treatment which is passive aggressive and not helpful in resolving conflict. I mean saying, "I need a break" or "Give me a minute" and disengaging. In my frustration with Gman I came back after calming down and said, "This is why I'm angry with you." We were able to talk through it without either of us being defensive. We even laughed about it later.

5. Find the humor. The best way to defuse angry is with humor. Finding levity in your life will help bring you back to center. One night I was so furious with Noah I thought I was going to hurt him. I was scared of my rage and told him, "mommy's very very angry right now and I need to take some deep breaths. I need you to be nice to me while I'm angry, Noah." He replied by basically mocking me. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth, and growled! It was both insulting and totally adorable. I had to laugh at his attempt to show me he understood what I was saying. Soon laughter completely diffused my anger. After I put him to bed I thought about why I was angry and tried to find a solution to my issue. 

6. Ask for help. Ask friends, family, parents, babysitters to help you get through this really difficult time. It's hard for me to reach out sometimes because I don't even know what to ask for. So here are some ideas: ask your parents to watch your children for a night and you go to a hotel and order room service. Or maybe it's a girls night out or a coffee date with a good book. Maybe you ask someone to cook with you once a week or invite friends over for a small party or a glass of wine. Socializing and taking breaks from the daily grind stop me from being all consumed with all the things that are pissing me off. Sometimes simply voicing my frustration helps diffuse it. Sending a text to my sister like, ugh you won't believe the night I've had and her responding with a ridiculous meme or just saying, that sucks, really helps.

One last note on anger. Don't be afraid of anger. It's a healthy, normal feeling to have. And it's a powerful one too. We have seen far too many examples lately on the news of blind, ignorant rage destroying lives. But anger has lead to some incredibly positive changes in the world too like cures for cancer, fights against poverty and injustice and hunger. If you think of it this way, you can use your anger to make some positive changes in your life too.

Previous posts on The Unaccompanied Tour: // 01, // 02

The Unaccompanied Tour // 02

While it's possible to keep in touch by sending care packages and talking on FaceTime or the phone regularly. One of the hardest parts of the unaccompanied tour is the physical separation. My toddler is constantly hanging on me and sleeps on my chest, but that isn't always the physical touch I'm longing for. Sometimes I need my husband's touch, which is something I cannot get through any sort of technology. So what to do? I'm a very affectionate and touchy person so this part of the unaccompanied tour is especially difficult for me.

My mom once told me about a single friend of hers who regularly got massages to aid in her physical loneliness. It fulfilled her need to be touched when she was without a partner. I've also heard about the healing powers of touch and massage in leprosy communities and in nursing homes. So Gman and I decided to give it a try. It's not a 100% replacement for each other but getting twice monthly massages has made a huge difference in quelling that longing feeling.

The Unaccompanied Tour // 01

How an unaccompanied tour feels.

It has been nearly a year since Gman and I started our unaccompanied tour. We have a long distance marriage while Gman works overseas and Noah and I camp out in the US. In Gman's job with the US Department of State many families will have to endure this hardship at some point in the employee's career. It's a matter of when it will work into the family dynamic, financial benefits or concerns, etc. For us it seemed to work best to do it while Noah is so young and resilient.

We still have another half a year to go. We learned a lot during our separation about our marriage, each other, ourselves, and what we want and don't want out of life. I'd like to share some of the things I learned with you in a series about our unaccompanied tour. I have searched for support online through blogs, websites, Facebook groups, etc. and while there is some stuff out there I really feel on my own about the decisions I have to make and the lifestyle that we lead. 

So I hope this series will answer some questions, give some insight, and share some stories to help myself and others like me feel empowered during this difficult journey. 

So let's dive into the first one...

The separation is an emotional roller coaster. When Gman is here, we have our whole marriage in two weeks. When he's gone, we barely talk about anything. There are days when I feel on top of the world - I cleaned the house, cooked for the week, and Noah is dressed and ready for the day all before 10am. Other times I feel defeated before the first demand for juice is uttered. It comes down to taking the time to invest in myself and my health. Here's what I do to feel calm, grounded, and joyful. 

1. Sleep. I make sleep a number one priority over everything else in my life; chores, meeting friends, anything besides taking care of Noah or myself when we need it. Noah has a bedtime routine and so do I. When he goes down, I do a little dance on the way to the shower because I know now it's me time. When I regularly get at least eight hours it is the difference between "I got this" and "OMG why is this happening."

2. Eat right. For me, it truly it makes a difference. When I eat healthy I feel good and energetic.

3. You guessed it - exercise! I try to build it into my day with an active lifestyle. Noah and I ride my bike everywhere we can and go for 20 minute walks at least twice a day. If I'm really good I practice yoga during Noah's mid-day nap. Once in a while I'll be able to go to a class somewhere, too. Between that and a good night's sleep, I feel unstoppable!

4. Have downtime. I give myself more downtime now then I did when Gman and I were in the same house. When I put Noah to bed, I don't do anything else besides have my downtime. No dishes, no laundry, no responsibilities. They all have to wait for tomorrow. Every night I curl up in bed and read for at least an hour, usually two. 

5. Have a support network. Single parenting is not for the faint of heart. Many times there is no one to tap in for you at the end of a long day. No one to pinch hit when you just want to sleep but your little one is crying from their crib, standing in a pool of throw-up at 3am... 

I live across the street from my parents, which makes it convenient for them to help me out. Sometimes my mom will unexpectedly be able to watch Noah for an hour, or my dad will come over, do the dishes and take out the trash. It's those little things that make me feel like the burden of my family is not all on my shoulders (even if it usually is). I'll still be cleaning puke up all by my lonesome at 3am but at least I know that someone nearby will have a large cup of hot coffee waiting for me in the morning when I call.

I go to a weekly bible study class with other adults. It's really nice to talk about something other than being a mom. It's a safe, emotionally rewarding, and sometimes intellectually stimulating environment that I find helps me release some of my anger or exasperation from the week as well as gain a new perspective on my life. 

I see a therapist regularly. With my husband and confident unavailable, therapy gives me a place to have constructive conversations about myself, my heart, my fears, and my dreams. 

6. Lastly, go easy on yourself. It's ok if you don't get to everything in one day. It's ok if the dishes sit in the sink while you place horsey with your toddler, or if you make dinner plans with a friend and leave the bedtime routine to another caretaker now and then. Having a rough day so you drank an extra glass of wine or snuck some ice cream while hiding from your kids in the garage? It's totally fine. Tomorrow will be better.